Code-R

Well, here’s another food for thought. I was thinking of this during my trip home from school. It’s nothing too deep because my school isn’t really that far away from home and I only started to think about it around half-way of the journey, so yeah…

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I was thinking about thinking. I think it’s almost impossible to keep your mind completely and totally blank. You’re always thinking about something, no matter how trivial they may be. Then, lots of things came to my mind. The most prominent thought was; “What are other people thinking about?“. One can never really tell what’s going on in another’s head (except if you’re a psychic or something…). Never.

What’s with the emphasis on “never”? I hope it’ll become clear later. Hope. I know I’m not really good at expressing my opinion and thoughts and such, but I’ll try.

While I was thinking about that, I remembered a quote; “We aren’t only defined by what or who we are, but also by what we do and which choices we make.” I think this was said by Kira Yamato from Gundam Seed or Seed Destiny but I’m not too sure about that. I thought that there was one key ingredient missing in that statement. Thoughts. I think that a person is defined by what he thinks and not by what he does or which choices he make.

Of course the choices one makes and what he does are important, but I think that his thoughts are really the one that’s responsible for making him who he is. For starters, thoughts are the main driving force for choices and choices, in turn, leads to actions. So, without thoughts, one is nothing (as in, not defined).

Even if one carries out a certain action, does it really reflects who he is? He could be helpful, kind, gentle, etc, etc towards others but maybe, that’s not who he really is. There’s always a possibility that his inner thoughts are totally different, isn’t there? He could be helping others in order to gain their trust or something, right? Of course, it could also be the other way around.

I’m not trying to say that we shouldn’t trust anyone or anything, just that we never really know who a person really is, their true nature. That’s because one can never really tell what another is thinking.

We are defined by what we think.

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Well, that’s what I think anyways. Thoughts may change with time, but for now, those are my thoughts.

3 Hours and 30 Minutes. That was how long I waited at NUH today, including the time taken for me to catch a taxi. *Sigh* And I thought waiting to be tested for Oral was long…

Anyways, it’s not like I didn’t do anything while I was waiting….Okay, technically, I did do nothing.. But hey, I did thought about a lot of stuff during the wait! Okay, so maybe I always think about stuff….Anyway, the point is that I actually bothered to post an entry about my thoughts today.

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I was thinking about how boring waiting was, how troublesome going to NUH was, how troublesome my eye was, etc, etc and how plain my life was. Basically, I was complaining about my life. Then, something occurred to me. Actually, it was more like something that I thought of before resurfacing back into my thoughts.

I always seem to be complaining about how troublesome my life was; school, remedials, responsibilities, time management problems and such. I realised how self-centered I was. (Okay, maybe I’ve always known that I was self-centered but……not the point!) It’s just that I felt…..small (am NOT referring to my height!). I’m referring to how very little I know and understand about….everything.

Sure, there are lots of things that are taught in school, ranging from Sciences to Humanities and even to stuff about Friends, but what is it that we truly understand? There are countless people out there that are probably suffering more than us but, what do we know? Before you think that you’ve probably heard stuff like this a hundred times before, please don’t put this post in the same category as them because that’s not really what I’m trying to say. I’m not trying to make you symphatise with those people. Just think about how little knowledge you have, not just about sufferings and such, but also about stuff like information, resources and stuff like that.

I know some of you are like “What the hell are you trying to say?!”, right now, because I know I am XD. Lol, sorry sorry. I know my thoughts may be incoherent but still…..I’m trying, I’m trying….

Everytime I watch anime or read manga about wars or something that’s somewhat resembles war, I’ll always be thinking stuff like; Why did he do that? Doesn’t he know that he’s gonna end up killing everybody if he does that? Why did he believe that guy? Isn’t it so obvious that he’s the bad guy? Etc, etc. We, being the reader, will have a clear vantage point that will allow us to easily deduce who’s right and who’s wrong because we know what’s happening behind the scenes (For so-so standard anime/manga. The better ones will usually give us a hard time deciding who’s right and wrong).

But if you look at it from a character’s viewpoint, the line between right and wrong doesn’t seem so obvious. Why? Because he or she is lacking information and knowledge. Do you think that, if a character knows what is happening “behind the scenes” or the overall picture, he will take such course of actions? I don’t think so. If a character is equipped with the knowledge and information, he or she will not make mistakes that would end up causing more bloodshed, because isn’t peace what everyone wants? (This scenario is for when a character gets influenced by the “bad guy” into believing that he is “good” so that the “bad guy” does not need to do the dirty work by himself.)

So, anyways, I think what I’m also trying to say is that, even if a little information is lacking, conflicts may arise. This “conflict” can range from Countries to Friends to Family. Because one lacks a certain information, one may end up accusing a party that is suppossedly “innocent”.

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See, now do you understand what I’m trying to say? Now do you understand how small you are? How little you know? No? That’s okay, it’s not really meant for you to understand anyway and I know I may be incoherent but I just wanted to voice my thoughts, is all.

Wow, long post. *Searches for the Word Count panel thingy since the interface is new now* Can’t find it. *Copy paste into Word document*

Only 700+ words? Meh, my essays are usually longer….

I’m not sure how to put this but….I feel different from time to time. I may feel differently about the same things on certain occasions, it can be at the same time or one feeling is more spontaneous than the other. But all in all, it points me to the same question: Who am I, really?

It’s as if there’s more than one ‘me’ in me. For example, school stuff (Exams, homework, grades, etc…). Sometimes, I may feel that grades don’t matter because no matter how bad or good the grade is, if I can go to the course I want, then its pointless to dwell on this kind of stuff. But sometimes, my ego gets to me. I would want to achieve good grades and be the best.

On another occasion, I may feel that exams aren’t all that important, maybe even the ‘O’ Levels. I can’t really explain why but I just feel that its not worth it to study so hard because ‘grades don’t matter’. And if I did study hard, but get poor results, then I would be devastated. On the other hand, I also think that I must study hard and have a schedule for revision so that I can stand out more than others.

Another example is how my focus keeps going on and off. Everytime in school, during lessons, there would be some parts whereby I will listen intently but other parts where I’ll just switch off. I want to learn, yet I don’t want to. A similar case is my way of doing things, or projects. For some activities, I will really put my best into it and I’ll try to make it as perfect as it can be but for some projects, I’ll just do it for the sake of doing it.

So, who am I, really? Am I an egoistic, hard-working perfectionist? Or am I just some lazy-ass who somehow, one way or another, manage to get very decent grades?

Lol, thinking of having a split personality is kinda cool but sometimes, this ’split personality’ really gets in the way. It makes me unsure of myself and I don’t think that’s good. Anyways, the examples I gave is just some of the things that frequently comes to my mind, mainly because I am a student after all, so school naturally makes up a big portion of my life. Other things include stuff like my emotions and the constant ‘whimsical vs rational’ sides of me.